Burlesque performer Dita Von Teese is
a new columnist for xojane.com. They tell me hers is a stripped-down style.
YOU learn something new every day.
Today I discovered xojane.com. It did not change my life.
It
seems xojane is one of the top-10 women’s lifestyle internet sites. I am not a
woman and many say I am lifestyle-free. Maybe that is why I am not raving about
the site. To me, it looked like a online glossy tabloid.
But
it has jokes. I like jokes.
I
wonder why Jane told everybody about her affaire with Drew Barrymore. I did not
tell the world about my affaire with
Nicole Kidman. I didn’t even tell Nicole.
The
XO part of the internet mag’s title apparently stands for hugs and kisses. It
is usually written XOXO so, with xojane, maybe you get only one hug and one
kiss. It could be why Jane and Drew broke up.
Back
to the jokes because you are probably wondering what happened to those I sort
of implied I might share with you..
Huggy-kissy
Jane supplied the fifty best late-night-tv jokes of 2012 in a recent issue.
Whoaa,
50 is way too many. I am not convinced 50 different jokes actually exist.
I
have curated the 50 jests down to 10 To
entice you to read them all, I have listed them in descending order from the 10th
best to the very best.
10.
Donald Trump was bumped from speaking at the Republican convention because of
Hurricane Isaac. See, nobody ever talks about the good things hurricanes
do." – Jay Leno, August 2
9. “This season's Dancing
With the Stars is called the All-Stars
edition. In previous years, people complained they'd never heard of the stars.
Well, not this year. They've all been on before. Big names like Sabrina Bryan,
Melissa Rycroft, and Giles Marini. Yes, Giles Marini. They got him. Or
her." - Craig Ferguson, September 24
8
"Tough Olympic news for the
Romneys. Ann Romney's horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals.
Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya." -
Conan O'Brien, August 7
7. "It looks like Kanye West and Kim
Kardashian are dating, and apparently they're getting serious. Friends say
Kanye is the man Kim wants to spend the rest of her month with." -
Jay Leno, April 11
6. I brought my son to Bring Your Child to Work
Day. I brought him in and let him fire a writer. Bring Your Child to Work Day
-- that's how we got George W. Bush." - David Letterman, April 26
5.
There is an HBO movie coming out
about the 2008 presidential election. Apparently John McCain is very unhappy
with the way he was portrayed. He said he came across as a clueless and angry
man. No one had the heart to tell him he was watching the toaster." -
Craig Ferguson, March 2
4.
A new report found that Hawaii has
the best quality of life of any state in the U.S. You know, just in case you
thought it sucked living in Hawaii." - Jimmy Fallon, February 28
3.
Last week a group of chefs baked the
world's largest pizza, which is gluten-free and contains 9,000 pounds of
cheese. Or as Americans put it, 'You had me at "world's largest
pizza" . You LOST me at "gluten-free". Then you won me back with
"9,000 pounds of cheese." - Jimmy Fallon, December 18
2.
Big movie opening this weekend. It's Snow
White and the Huntsman. Charlize Theron is the evil queen. She's willing to
commit murder just to keep a more youthful appearance. We have a name for that
type of person in Los Angeles. It's called everyone.
The queen banishes Snow White because of her beauty. But the dwarves help Snow
White because they're smitten by that very beauty. It teaches kids an important
lesson: Nothing matters except for your looks." Craig Ferguson, June 1
1 The
Huffington Post is taking some heat for badly misquoting Mark Twain in a recent
piece that was meant to celebrate his birthday. But as Twain himself once said,
'Haters gonna hate.'" -- Jimmy Fallon, December 12
Was
there a giggle in there for you? If not I am looking for a way outa here. Cheers Bernie
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