Lucretia Lit: messaging my glitoris.

I am proud to introduce the fearless woman who knows everything about international literature, Lucretia Lit.
Lucretia knows where the bodies are buried and performed the last rights on some. This is Lucretia's first of many spectacular columns.
Cheers
Bernie


Messaging my Glitoris

with Lucretia Lit

THE media conference of the two heroes of self publishing, Joe Konrath and Barry Eisler has been aborted. They hired a crane but they still could not get the two egos through the door. ROWWR!

Amanda H, sweetie, are you sure you want to go with those legacy publishers?  From Lucretia’s experience, many of them just want to throw the legacy over. SHAHOOWA!

Edgar Allan, please don’t go out tonight. It’s snowing. Surely there is some booze in the house. But do remember, though the toilet cleaner is green, it is not absinthe. ONTHEPISSAGAIN

J. K. dear, sure you do not want to rethink that contemporary novel  thing. I mean witches’ hats down Revolutionary Road instead of on young  muppets’ heads. You think it will work?  Aunt Lucretia has one word: don’t. WOOSHKA!

Please send your literary goss to Lucretia Lit. Email bentbananabooks@gmail.com

An apostrophe a semicolon and a hyphen walk into a bar

STAND-UP comedian Lenny Bruce would read transcripts of his obscenity trials towards the end of his career. It was embarrassing rather than funny. Literary jokes are thin in the air.

“J. K. Rowling is writing a contemporary adult novel; what’s that all about?” is not in the comedic handbook as the intro to a gig. Yet, with so many funny books out there, the world of literature should be a fertile field of frivolity.

Let us see if we can create a few immortal literary jokes – even a few timely ones will do.

This one is supposedly true though I have embellished it to a joke format. American artist James Whistler is holding a dinner party in London in honour of his mother Anna. Among the guests are French writer Guy du Maupassant and Irishman Oscar Wilde. Du Maupassant delivers a bon mot before dessert. “I wish I said that,’’ Oscar Wilde says. Whistler replies, “You will Oscar. You will.”

A very old man knocks on heaven’s doors. From the other side St Peter growls, “We’re closed; come back tomorrow.’’ The old man wearily protests he has been looking everywhere for his son. St Peter asks what is his son’s name. The old man replies, “I don’t know what name he goes by now but he has nails in his hands and his feet. The gates open wide as St Peter says, “Jesus, get out here, someone to see you.” Jesus rushes out to embrace the old man. “Father,” he says.  The old man warmly returns the embrace. “Pinocchio,” he says.

An apostrophe, a semicolon and a hyphen walk into a bar. That is all I have.

How does this joke end? You tell me. Send me the ending or a literary joke you know. Respond here or email bentbananabooks@gmail.com Your joke will be available for publication, so please supply a name of some sort.

Buy 7 Shouts HERE.

7 Aussie sayings in 7 Shouts

I THOUGHT everyone loved rhyming slang but I was wrong.

During a bout of immersion in Aussie slang through my weekly column 7 Shouts, a reader wrote in to protest.

She said Aussie rhyming slang and slang in general were provincial and uncouth.

I took mild offence to the observation and was about to offer to write a short but spirited defence of slang at the bottom of the reader’s published letter. Thinking about it some more, I decided I had my weekly column and I should leave the letter’s page to readers.

Rhyming slang originated in Cockney London but Australians long ago imported it and contributed to the lexicon with relish.

In the 1943 Hollywood rom-com Mr Lucky, Cary Grant used it to effect as something of plot mover. I am not sure whether Grant’s character says he picked it up in Australia or whether his butler picked it up in Oz. But it definitely came from Orstraytlya, as Grant pronounces our country.

Some of the expressions were “briny marlin” (darlin’) “bottles and stoppers” (coppers, police), “tit for tat” (hat) and “lady from Bristol” (pistol). A particularly amusing one to today’s ears, especially as it came from Hollywood is “heap of coke” (bloke, man).

In the film, Gary Grant plays a professional gambler and uses the slang in a coded interchange with leading lady Laraine Day to thwart the corrupt bottles and stoppers. This is in keeping with the popular academic theory rhyming slang was used by the criminal classes to exclude authorities from an understanding of the true meaning of the conversation.

There may be some truth in this but I prefer the simpler explanation rhyming slang was used because it was fun. Even the notion of slang excluding outsiders has overtones of an in-joke. Some very perceptive person, and I do not know who it was, coined the phrase ``poetry of the streets’’ to describe slang.

I borrowed the term for my book of newspaper columns and potted observations on Australian and world culture, 7 Shouts.

I will now put the case for the defence which I eschewed on that letters’ page.

First, rhyming slang is somewhat sophisticated.  A working class purist would never use the full expression as the Grant character was forced to do to make it explicable to the viewer. Briny is a darlin’; bottles are coppers and a lady is a pistol. You can see the pattern which gets even better; titfa is a hat.

So here we go with the seven – some rhyming slang, some relatives – from 7 Shouts:

1.       Frog’n is a road as in frog ‘n’ toad. Let’s hit the frog’n on our trip down Slang Street.

2.      Khyber is arse or ass, in America. A ban on further spoon feeding precludes my saying what the second word is. But I will note that you can receive a kick up the Khyber or you can get the khyber (be fired from your job). When I say rhyming slang is sophisticated, I believe it can trigger imagery and associations. Frog’n reminds me of a dead toad on the road and I associate losing your job with having the “arse out of your pants”, an expressive metaphor.
Billies are kids and I will give a clue because not everyone will be familiar with boiling water in a tin on an open fire to make tea, or these days, coffee.  The billy, about the height of an electric jug, usually has a wire handle and a lid. I see that as an effective metaphor for a child.

3.      Rubbity is a pub, itself a contraction of public bar, the traditionally working-class section of a hotel. Rubbity comes from the English nursery rhyme rub-a-dub-dub. At their best, pubs can be places of child-like fun.

4.      Rissole is an RSL club, a gathering place for returned soldiers and their family. While not strictly following the template for rhyming slang, you can see the connection with a play on words or rather the sound of an acronym. A rissole is a round meat patty. As I have said one of the imaginative products of slang is the triggering of other loosely related expressions. When I hear rissole for RSL, it conjures up another expression, “see you round like a rissole’’. The picture of someone peering into an RSL club, reminds me of, “if I don’t see you the through the week, I’ll see you through the window.” It’s fun and it’s all good.

5.      Crab, on another tangent, is a nickname for a sponger. Like rhyming slang, it omits the second word, claw, in its reference to someone who puts the bite on you. I always think of the fearsome yet delicious Australian mudcrab which has been known to crack the bones in a finger of a careless handler.

6.      Chooks scratching around in the top paddock is an expression far removed from the basic rhyming slang but you can see it is clearly just an advanced metaphor in the poetry of the streets. Chooks are chickens perhaps changed to be an approximation of one of the sounds poultry make. Chickens constantly scratch the ground and the top paddock is the brain. In total, the picture is of someone lacking clear thought.

What is a clear thought is that slang is fun.

You can buy 7 Shouts HERE.

And the winner is...

AUSTRALIAN woman Deanne Scanlan is the winner if our exclusive Bent Banana Books T-Shirt.

Deanne won the t-shirt as one of the first 15 Likers of the BBB Facebook Page. HERE 

Only two of these exclusive shirts are in circulation. The other one is in Sweden.

Second prizewinner isTony Koch who receives a copy of my book, 7 Shouts. BUY eBook here 

We are hoping the next t-shirt goes to the Americas and the trio will be across the globe. If you know anyone in the Americas, ask them to like BBB Facebook Page. HERE 

These T-shirts are not for sale. They can only be won by supporters of Bent Banana Books. There are two designs, the fetching minimalist one and one for the extroverts among us.

When we have 25 Likers, BBB will send out three prizes. All 25 Likers will be eligible and those odds are pretty good.

One of the prizes will be a t-shirt and the other 2 will be something different.

Like BBB Facebook Page. HERE 

Cheers
          Bernie

9 ways art tells the story

THREE years ago, the not-so-magnificent seven of us were sitting around, drinking coffee and eating crackers laden with chili-cheese dip.

We were gathered in the comfortable recreation room – actually a detached building – at the home of Arts Alliance president Ken Armstrong.

It was one of monthly committee meetings of the alliance we had formed two years earlier as an umbrella organisation to represent the artists of our local area.

President Ken did not have to travel to meetings at his place and, in exchange for that comfort, he supplied the excellent coffee, tasty dips and the occasional small glasses of red wine.

Representing the arts community,  those of us who enjoyed a quiet drink felt it was fitting to indulge in the traditional arty red rather than a white cousin.

Theatrical representative Ray Swenson suggested the Alliance put together  an anthology of short stories from local writers.

Artists Ken Armstrong and Daniel Wagner said we should illustrate each story. The annual arts alliance anthology was born. Ken and Dan produced the covers for the first anthologies.

Ken took on the role of Illustrations  Editor at our usual rate of pay  -  priceless appreciation for a love job well done.

An  anthology of short stories, each with original illustration, is a rare beast.   I am yet to see one from the Big Six mainstream publishers. Such a creation fulfils for the vow of Bent Banana Books to produce books that are different.

I present a selection of the  art from  our 2010 and 2011 anthologies

Elena Ventura creates a technologically enhanced citizen for Brenda Simcox-Hunt's sardonic tale  2060 Woman. Elena was a finalist in the prestigious Australian award (since 1949) Blake Prize for Religious Art named after the poet/ artist William Blake who some believe was a Druid priest. It is from the anthology Can you believe it...

Multi award winning artist Michelle Caitens renders an impressionistic urban landscape for the story The Other Side of Life, written by the artist's daughter, Jenna Caitens for The Writing on the Wall, the anthology coming soon as an eBook through Bent Banana Books. The story and artwork are now available in 5 Strong Bricks in the Wall.

This Ken Armstrong illustration is for Audrey Sanderson's The Anniversary (available in The Writing on the Wall and 5 Strong Bricks in the Wall.) I like the sense of joy Ken has captured as the young woman tries on a new pair of shoes.

Another one from Elena illustrates Best Mates by Anne Olsson from Can you believe it.

Elena's skill has rendered a vivid portrait from the back. Can't you just see the sunset or the lagoon the contented couple are looking at. 

Michelle's sketch of a young woman has such fine detail in the eyes, the mouth and the clutched note. You just have to love how Michelle has captured the state of the young woman's mind in the hair. It is for Too Late for Heroes, written by 18-year-old Maddi Mitchell and found in Can you believe it.

Another from Ken for Peter Bowler's Tempting the Devil  (available in The Writing on the Wall and 5 Strong Bricks in the Wall.) 

 Yet another from Ken, this one illustrating my story Codpiece and Chips from Can you believe it. My anti-hero Steele Hill has three loves - horse-racing, rock music and girlfriend,Natalie, unfortunately, in that order. A meal of fish and chips is prominent in the yarn.

 You have probably gathered Ken is very much hands-on as an illustrations editor. This is is his artwork for L. G. Dalton's A Once Upon a Time Tale in Can you believe it.

But Can you believe it HERE and 5 Strong Bricks in the Wall HERE

Cheers

Bernie

7 Celebrities cultivated in 7 Shouts

YOU know actor George Clooney personally and regard him as the nastiest person on earth.

You are invited to a dinner party with the traditional girl-boy/girl-boy seating. You are placed next to George Clooney whom you cannot stand the sight of. You cut your eyes out with the fish knife and the soup spoon rather than look at Clooney.

The paramedics arrive and ask why. You reply: ‘if you knew George Clooney, you would do it too.’

This dinner-party anecdote drills to the weird core of the phenomenon we know as the cult of celebrity.

I have at least seven celebrities embedded in my book of anecdotes, musings and stuff-made-up, 7 Shouts. I may have put the celebs in for a nobler reason than wanting to sell more books. I probably did.

The cult of celebrity does not upset me as much as it does other, particularly male, critics. Still, I find it a worthy topic of discussion at dinner parties or elsewhere.

The critics mundane gambit against the thrust of celebrity is to rail against the idolised who are famous for being famous. I do not have to mention names such as Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton but I will. It would be a shame to waste a column on celebrity without frequent name dropping.

I find fame for fame’s sake to be the most elegant expression of the cult of celebrity. To me, the most troubling part of the fame of Ms Kardashian and Ms Hilton – Kimi and Paree, as I like to call them – is they do stuff. To be and not to do; that is the answer for the ultimate celebrity challenge.

What does annoy me most about the cult followers is when they express undying love or eternal hatred of someone they have never met. I doubt Mr Clooney is a nasty person at all and he would certainly be far from the nastiest on the planet but part of me wishes it were true. I could use it as evidence against anyone who says he is so gorgeous. Ooh, and a really nice guy, too.

I am in the room when you are saying this. Am I not gorgeous and a really nice guy? Well, no! I am just your average citizen of the world with good points and bad – just like George Clooney, I suspect.

At the other end of the celebrity spectrum are the cultists who say, ‘I can’t stand him/ her’ when a celebrity face appears in the media or on a television screen. You know the critic is a cultist as they use the exact same words every time, ‘I can’t stand him/ her.’ Again,  I’m here in the room. Why can’t you can’t stand me?

I will explain the context of some of celebrity drop-ins throughout 7 Shouts.

Russell Crowe is there to illustrate the Aussie habit of claiming a famous New Zealander as their own.

Celebrities can lose their Australian nationality if they behave badly. Russell Crowe might lose his place in the sequel to 7 Shouts. He has fewer than 400,000 Twitter followers, compared to Kevin Spacey’s 2.2 million. What’s going on there, Rusty (as I like to call Crowe)? I do not wish to threaten a character in my book, but Rusty, I am expecting a better performance. No, Russell, talk to the hand about that Academy Award; we are on about celebrity in the real Nirvana of fame, Tweetyland, not Hollywood.  For the record, I have 21 followers on Twitter and I would like to thank every one of them for their support and all that sort of guff.

Pop duo the Veronicas I used in 7 Shouts to illustrate how media based in State capitals appropriate celebrities from outside their borders. Twins Lisa and Jess Origliasso grew up in Pine Rivers shire, north of the Queeensland capital but Brisbane media claims them as their own. Lisa has 204, 000 Twitter followers and Jess 195, 000. If we can spark some sibling rivalry, those numbers might increase before the release of the sequel to 7 Shouts.

Performer Delta Goodrem – 173,000 Twitter followers; come on Del (as I like to call her) lift your game  –  is in a fun piece about buying a Christmas present for an impoverished teenage boy by trying to line him up for a date with Delta.

I needed sports celebrities in 7 Shouts and two of them are Australian Olympic swimmer Jessicah – I really do call her Jess – Schipper and Ethiopian middle distance runner Hicham El Guerrouj. It was a privilege to see Schipper rise from a humble hard-working schoolgirl to an Olympic Gold Medal winner. For the El Guerrouj story, I was able to work in Rastafarian hero Haile Selassie and I was pleased about that.

Two children’s authors were literary celebs: Aussie Colin Thiele and Brit J. K. Rowling.

I am pleased Australian political celebrity Kevin Rudd is making the news everyday with his challenge to become Prime Minister again. All I need him to say is ‘I’m not challenging; if I were, it would be in 7 Shouts’. US president Barrack Obama visited Australia so that he would appear in the book.

The cult of celebrity may appear to be based on delusional connections with fantasy figures. But at heart, it bonds real people around the water cooler, on a corner of Twitter, in the collective readership of a book. It also sells almost every commodity on earth, including 7 Shouts.

Buy 7 Shouts HERE.

Pet Peeve # 1

THE most abused word in the literary world is audience.

And this, dear readership, introduces an occasional Save the Book series, Pet Peeves.

You are welcome to comment or send in a guest peeve.

Now back to Pet Peeve # 1

Cheers

Bernie 

• From Oxford University Press

THE most abused word in the literary world is audience.

Writers misuse it, along with editors and publishers.

Readers do not listen to a book; they read it, unless it is from the relatively small emerging class of audio-books.

The word is appropriated from the theatre. To the pedant, the word is wrong there, too. Theatrical consumers are audio-visualisers, though that makes them sound like producers rather than users.

What makes audience an acceptable descriptor in theatre is the passage of time.

I do not want time to make audience an acceptable synonym for the perfectly serviceable readership. I believe that boat is yet to sail. We do need strategies to prevent it leaving port.

Strategy #1

You are pitching your novel to a publisher and she asks, ‘what is your target audience.’

Usually, my favoured response to this question is: `people who can read.’

Now I suggest a more specific reply. You feign obtuseness to ask: ‘You mean when my novel is turned into a play?’

It will probably cost you any chance of a contract but who wants to ‘nurtured’ by a publisher who does not know the meaning of words.

Strategy #2

A friend asks how your self-published history of artichokes is going. Reply: ‘not well, the audience walked out before chapter 4.’

Most people know writers are crazy and your friend will nod as if what you just said made sense. And he will pass on your appraisal to other friends, some of whom will realise you made a sophisticated jest.

As a reward for your bon mots, a few will buy copies of your history of artichokes, which, BTW, I found fascinating.

Strategy #3

 Your editor says you are losing your audience with too much back-story in the early chapters. You reply: ‘I only wrote it for deaf people.’ The editor will process the reply and soon realise you are making fun of her where it really hurts: her trade of words. She will hate you forever after but she will be scrupulous in further editing of your book so you do not catch her out again.

Strategy #4

 You are ecstatic the literary editor of your local newspaper chooses to review your book himself.  It is a glowing review with the central theme of your great connect with your audience.

You write a letter to the literary editor, pointing out his continual misuse of the word, audience.

You never receive another review. You lament the loss of a few thousand readers, but are proud of doing your bit to save the literary canon.

Strategy #5

You re-send this blog through social media. Your friends who read it think: ‘That Bernie Dowling is a nit-picker. Shouldn’t he be finishing his play instead of writing stuff such as that?’

And you are right. I should get back to my play. My readership awaits. I mean my audience calls.

IF you have a pet literary peeve, become a member of this blog or email me at bentbananabooks@gmail.com