Rich crazies insure their best bits

OMG what can you say

When a loopy has lots of dough

I received this media release from an insurance company today.

I have no comment.

I mean, really, what can you say?

Cheers

Bernie

What do alien abductions, legs, backsides, moustaches and voices all have in common?

The answer is, celebrities insure them! Here are just some of the fascinating things that the stars are insuring²: Shirley MacLaine has protection against alien abduction for $25mil Model Heidi Klum's legs were insured for $2.2mil Former Test cricket player Merv Hughes' walrus moustache for $370,000 Bruce Springsteen's voice for $6mil Dolly Parton's 'renowned assets' for $600,000 One Direction singer Louis Tomlinson's backside for $160,000 Amazing! You could even say crazy. But on the other hand, celebrities recognise what's most valuable to them and insure against damage or loss of their signature 'asset'. They do it for peace of mind. 95 percent of Australian families don't have adequate insurance¹. That's a lot of under-valued Aussie parents, partners and kids. Now that's crazy! For further information or to purchase Ezicover insurance*, please click here. A reminder about what's important in life from NRAS Australia.

Celia Shorojk film previews II

Film reviews

Film previews with Celia Shorojk 

Blow up stuff including the planet

Forget it

Total Recall

THE producers of Total Recall must have forgotten that not long ago (1990, not long ago for some) the original sci-fi shoot&blowemup starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sharon Stone collected much of its handy profits through mystery and suspense.  

Maybe it is just me, but surprise is somewhat limp when you know what is coming.

Maybe the producers of the re-do were mesmerised by the numbers of the original. It cost $50M and brought in more than $250 mill. That’s good business, not likely to be replicated in relative terms by Total Recall 2012.

You can hardly blame the cast which includes top Brit thespos Colin Farrell, Kate Beckinsale and Bill Nighy.

Director Len Wiseman along with writers Kurt Wimmer and Mark Bombark muck about with some of the more memorable scenes of the original but that is more cute than clever.

At least they have ditched the ultra-violence of the firstie but they have also thrown out much of the wit and intelligence of the 1990 vehicle.

This one is bound to disappoint but I would suggest a strategy to save the film. See it in the cinema one night and watch the 1990 on vid the next. That should be fun.

 

Dick joke in the title; little other fun

The Dark Knight Rises

THE general public who have posted reviews of this film have in general been enraptured with the latest in the Batman series.

Professional critics, in the main, have also been kind but some have suggested the movie is too long (2hr 45 m).

Others have said you cannot hear what the masked villain, Bane is saying. Maybe a sizeable chunk of the audience, teenage boys who communicate in grunts and monosyllables, don't worry about that sort of thing. 

Most of your average punters are loving it unreservedly, but Huff Post reviewer   Scott Mendelson gave it a bit of a pasting. Perhaps Ms Huff&puff lost total recall of the protocols of industrial relations and forgot to pay critic Mendo.

Personally I prefer my Batman grey and coloured with streaks of  humour so director Christopher Nolan does not do it for me most of the time.

If you can take a lengthy nap in the boring middle of this epic, the whole experience should be rewarding.

Steve Carrell deserves better than this: 

the film not the boobs, I mean

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World

DO not let the title fool you: this one is not a shoot&blowemup. Of course, there are modest 

explosions. It is the end of the world, after all. Due respects to Tissy Eliot, we are more likely to go out the way we came in, with a bang not a whimper. 

More’s the pity this alleged rom-com did not have a tonne of TNT under it to re-ignite the humour.

Poor Steve Steve Carell!.

He gets lumbered with a straight role in one rom-com, Hope Springs and in this one, the scriptwriters knife him in the back after a promising start.

Britchick Keira Knightley is the love interest but of little other interest.

Steve Carrell is one of the funniest actors on the planet. Come on Hollywood, give him something to work with.

Celia Shorojk film previews

The trouble with ageing

Film reviews by Celia Shorojk

Hope Springs

Alright you baby boomers, you happy now; they are even making films about sex for you.

Kay (Meryl Streep) wants her and hubby Arnold (Tommy Lee Jones) to zest up their three-decade relationship with Arnold (Tommy Lee Jones).

For God’s sake buy a Winnebago.

But no, she has to drag Arnie to a couple’s therapist (Steve Carrel). With these three strong leads and directed by David Frankel (The Devil Wears Prada) you know it is going to work it is bound to work, after a fashion.

You can almost forgive the silly title – hope springs eternal; ooh, that is clever.  But why cast ace comedian Carrel in a straight role. I suspect the answer is this is a serious film, masked as rom-com to avoid the chick-flick tag.

There has to be worse ways to spend a couple of hours – and better ones.

The Expendables 2

Imagine this! A boomer couple arrives at the monies. She goes to Hope Springs and he ducks in to The Expendables 2. That is what you call an open marriage.

Unlike TE1, here is no Helen Mirren in this late-in-life action film on Viagra.

The first film was watchable though embarrassing in its premise you are never too old to blow things up. You know, you could grow too wise for that sort of stuff.

The film makers will be hoping there are enough teenage boys out there willing to tolerate the old farts (Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone Arnold Schwarzenneger, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Chuck Norris) on screen for the sake of nostalgia or pyrotechnics.

Stallone co-wrote the script and this whole thing sounds like an expensive joke. Suddenly Hope Springs looks like aging more gracefully.

Dumbo

We even have a geriatric film, born in 1941.

Dumbo could be the pick of the trio reviewed here.

For starters, it is not self-conscious about aging. It helps that it does not a look a day older than when it was born.

The story goes – and it is a tale which deserves to be true ­ – the Disney studio made Dumbo on the cheap to recoup losses from the earlier animation Fantasia.

The animators concentrated on finely drawing the central characters and forgot about the fancy backgrounds. The film came in at about an hour’s runni9ng time. Don’t you just love it when less is indeed more?

No animal is shot or blown up or suffers existential angst. Who says Walt Disney is a cold sort of person, these days?

10 annoying things in fiction

“I know nothing about him,” I murmur.

“…Thank you,” I murmur.

“Um. Actually –” I mutter.

“Raising the ordinary to the extraordinary,” I murmur.

“It’s shrewd business,” he murmurs.

“Very well,” she mutters, then exits.

“Oh I’ll bear that in mind,” I murmur.

– All the above quotes are from Chapter 1 of Fifty Shades of Murmuring and Muttering

10  annoying things in fiction

 10.  A sentence which starts with Then.

  9. A sentence with then in it.

  8. Sentences without verbs except those in this article.

   7. Sentences with many overblown annoying unnecessary florid adjectives.

   6 Characters who express direct speech in any of the following ways: laugh, grin, cry, smile, exclaim, explode, object, sigh, scowl, murmur.

  5. Adverbs which constantly modify how someone speaks, I say scathingly.

  4. Characters who appear for no reason

  3. Characters who disappear without explanation

  2. The word very which is a very bad word.

  1. More than one ante-climax.

Tales of psychics and psychos

PERCOLATE the coffee and break open a bar of Swiss chocolate: a new author is visiting our home.
Australian Jane Sharp has arrived bearing the gift of her first published work, the eBook

Vision The Reluctant Psychic

A promise of more to come in the Vision series accompanies these five short stories, introducing psychic detective, Trudy Harper.

A young detective in the Metropolitan Major Crime Squad, Harper has been aware of her undernourished psychic ability since she was a child. But she is reluctant to discuss it, even with her trusted police partner Bruce Hotchkiss.

Harper, an unassuming but thorough investigator, certainly does not wish knowledge of her “gift” to be spread across the police force. More than one of her colleagues flippantly call her Harpy, symptomatic of the hard-bitten humour in the force. Harper knows many officers would be uncomfortable in her company if her secret were revealed.

A series of murders with the signatures of psychopaths force Harper to either embrace or reject her gift.

The first story in Vision is Random Victim, in which Harper believes a spirit is telling her he was murdered by a stranger for no other reason than the killer wanted to see what it was like to kill and whether they could get away with it.

Harper is desperate to discover The Missing Piece to find peace for a little girl murdered decades ago in diabolical fashion.

The Bubble Gum Killer introduces a chilling psychopath who murders women for bizarre reasons, only for the killer to die himself. That is just the beginning as the crazed spirit and a vengeful Harper struggle for how the future will judge the murders.

Cleverly titled Blood Ties tells the story of a trio of psychics locked in struggle against a backdrop of family, greed, lies and murder.

Love and Vengeance has a vulnerable single mother caught, living  in a rented house, with a dangerous spirit trying to resolve a love scandal harking back 60 years to the days of World War II.

Jane Sharp brings considerable talents, uncommon in a first time author, to her supernatural tales.

Her plots are fresh and free of cliché. The ordinary is interwoven with the other-worldly to keep the reader fascinated as the stories unfold.

Characters are keenly observed so the reader is immersed in the inner life of the vicious and the vulnerable with the author using an economy of description and direct speech.

Suspense is generated from the first paragraph of each tale which reaches a satisfying conclusion without tricks, smoke or mirrors.

Vision: The Reluctant Psychic is recommended to any reader seeking the privilege of embarking on the journey through a seductive new series from Book 1.

We need to celebrate in song:

Buy 

 Buy at http://www.amazon.co.uk/Vision-The-Reluctant-Psychic-ebook/dp/B008XI51VO/ref=sr_1_12?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1345282099&sr=1-12

Please re-tweet or re-post this review to support a new author.

Bernie Dowling August 18, 2012

Gates swing better

THE mainstream Olympics are done and dusted and it is time to turn our  passion to popular science.

By popular science, I mean knowledge to help people. If it can compete in the media with Brad, Angelina, Jen and that other bloke, all the better. More dollars may befall science.

Today, two great scientific endeavours crossed my path. One is from Australia and the other from the U.S.

For some strange reason, for which I am most grateful, the publicly funded Australian scientific organisation CSIRO likes to keep me in the loop of what they are up to.

My last review was of The Pirates of Penzance. I am not convinced a story on The Sultans of Science will sneak past my day editor. As I am a writer, managing editor and chief coffee-maker of Bent Banana Books, it will fly high here.

Gates, farm and Bill have improved

CSIRO today announced a new type of cattle gate SaferGate aimed at preventing farmer death and injury has completed rigorous testing and development by the CSIRO.

Farmer and inventor Edward Evans designed SaferGate  which was  put to the test by a CSIRO-developed “crash test cow”.

Between 2000 and 2005, 211 Australian farmers were “caught, crushed, jammed, or pinched in or between objects”. Gate incidents also account for 0.5% of deaths among agricultural workers in Australia. The figures would be much higher in the U.S.

It seems cows play a part in many incidents. CSIRO’s 60kg test cow, which has authentic horns and hide, is designed to simulate the force of a bull or cow charging a cattle gate, used on farms, feedlots, in trucks and abattoirs across Australia.

CSIRO concluded its research last week with a series of simulated crash tests designed to evaluate how SaferGate would perform when charged or kicked by an animal. Designer Edward Evans broke a leg broken when operating a cattle gate on his farm. Unlike a traditional cattle gate, SaferGate swings away from the farmer or operator when a cow charges it, preventing injury or death.

Mr Evans said, ‘With the help of CSIRO, it is great to finally see my vision for SaferGate coming to life.’

SaferGate will be initially launched in Australia and the United States.

 Being government funded, CSIRO is subject to the vagaries of political priorities.  It received an economic windfall after it was recognised as the discoverer of Wi-Fi technology.

International computer and telecommunications giants borrowed Wi-Fi from CSIRO without paying royalties.

In June 2007,  CSIRO won a case in the U.S. Federal Court against Japanese manufacturer Buffalo Technologies, the basis of which the research organisation used to demand royalties from others manufacturers of  Wi-Fi equipment. 

CSIRO filed patent infringement suits against 3Com, Accton, Asus, Belkin, D-Link, Fujitsu, Marvell (manufacturers of Apple's iPod), Nintendo, SMC and Toshiba.

Several big names bit back with HP, Apple, Intel, Dell, Microsoft and Netgear bringing cases against CSIRO in an attempt to have the research organisation's patent invalidated.

As the case played out in a Texas court, the Australian Government-funded research organisation struck agreements with the big  players:  Dell, Intel HP, Microsoft, Asus and Fulitsu.

CSIRO's remaining opponents Nintendo, Toshiba, Netgear, Buffalo, D-Link, Belkin, SMC, Accton and 3Com caved and also settled.

The settlements netted CSIRO $200 million with continuing licence royalties.

You will notice Microsoft was one of the settlers and a lot of computer consumers are hostile to that corporation. However founder Bill Gates is putting his money towards alleviating tragic conditions within the poorest nations on earth.

Over the next two days, The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation will process 200 litres of artificial poop to trial out new toilets that do not need water, electricity nor connection to a sewage system. Maybe that should be” faux human poop’’ as artificial implies manure made by people.

Enough of that crap, the Reinvent the Toilet Fair intends to improve the lives of the 2.6 billion people in the third world who do not have access to a toilet.

Using $3 million in grants from the foundation, eight engineers are creating self-contained, power- and water-less systems.

One is powered by faeces, which are also dried and burned into fertiliser.

Another invention is a solar-powered toilet and one that converts waste into electricity with microwave technology.

It seems Bill Gates has finally got his shit together.

Bernie Dowling, August 14, 2012

Mohamed we adore you

Olympic Rant #18 On the fourteenth day God resumed work

THE squabbles and rancour of this year’s Ilympics were run into the ground on Day 14 as Great Britain, Jamaica and the United States turned in memorable performances.

Britain's Mohamed Farah was stunning as he held off Ethiopia and Kenya to take gold in the 5000m.

Mohamed Farah

I usually cheer for the African nations in middle distance events as I love their team strategy in running. But my hat and running shoes go off to Mohamed Farah who won his second gold medal of London 2012 with a thrilling victory in the 5000 metres on the final night of athletics.

Farah was denied any hope of assistance from GB team mate Nick McCormick who failed to make the final.

Here were the other things stacked against Farrah:

# He admitted to tiredness after his win the 10,000m seven days earlier

# He ran 3^rd in his heat.

# He was ranked 11^th in the world and was competing against seven of those rated above him.

Farah took the front with 700m to go but had little peace. American Galen Rupp sprinted quickly but could not cross the Brit.

Sensing the American might have weakened the leade,r the Africans queued up to have a crack at Farah. He repelled each one and kicked on the home turn.

The fastest runner over the distance this year was Dejen Gebremeskel and he made his move, looking to have Farah’s measure half-way down the straight.

The Brit kicked again and safely held the Ethiopian for a magnificent courageous victory.
             Farah said each of his twin girls due to be born shortly would have a Gold Medal from the London Games. They will be the heroes of show and tell in a few years, especially if Dad is part of the presentation.

USAIN Bolt took his third Gold when Jamaica raced to a world record in the 4x100m relay.

Bolt was a little less certain that Rio 2016 might be beyond him than he was after his 200m win.

‘I've thought about it but I think it's going to be very hard because Yohan (Blake), he's just come into the game and he's running pretty well, and I'm sure there's going to be a lot more cats coming up to run.

I'll take it a step at a time.’

THE U.S. captured the women's 4x400m relay and Allyson Felix achieved her third gold medal.
Felix ran the second leg after a brilliant start by DeeDee Trotter gave her a big lead at the first change. American 400m champion Sanya Richards-Ross ran the anchor leg and the U.S. won in 3:16.87 - the fastest time run in 19 years.

 Russia was three seconds behind Jamaica took the bronze.

Russia had its revenge when Anna Chicherova won the women's high jump ahead of American Brigetta Barrett. Another Russian Svetlana Shkolina was third.

           The Chinese are yet to get the knack of track and field and the Americans comfortably were ahead in the medal count in gold and total.

Leaders after Day 14

Total

1		United States	44	29	29	102
2		China	38	27	22	87
3		Great Britain	28	15	19	62
4		Russia	21	25	32	78
5		Korea	13	7	7	27
6		Germany	11	19	14	44
7		France	10	11	12	33
8		Italy	8	7	8	23
9		Hungary	8	4	5	17
10		Australia	7	16	12	35
11		Japan	6	14	17	37
12		Netherlands	6	6	8	20
13		Kazakhstan	6	-	4	10
14		Ukraine	5	4	9	18
15		New Zealand	5	3	5	13
16		Iran	4	5	3	12
17		Jamaica	4	4	4	12
18		Cuba	4	3	5	12
19		DPR Korea	4	-	2	6

AT Beijing 2008, the count was

Rank	Country	Gold	Silver	Bronze	TOTAL
1	United States	36	38	36	110
2	China	51	21	28	100
3	Russia	23	21	28	72
4	Great Britain	19	13	15	47

China’s fall in medals and CB’s rise tell us that in any sporting contest, home field advantage is real.

So let’s hear the Unofficial Official GB London Games Anthem. Take it away one more time.

Bernie Dowling, August 12, 2012